Nicole....and journeys

I get told all the time that I’m an independent person yet I feel so restricted here (Canada, Toronto). I sometimes have to remind myself that I do have personal freedoms because I often find myself feeling like three quarters of what I do I do clandestinely. And no matter what people say, about my being an incredibly independent person, I don’t actually feel like I can live an independent life of my choosing by staying here. It’s quite possible that the restrictions are more in my mind than in reality but if I need to work around the geographical factor, I will. I will go where I want and if I fall, I, ME, I will pick myself up. If it takes sleeping on the streets then so be it. I need to know what I can do alone because by being dependant on other people, it’s like there are ties that I continuously think I need to pay back, either now or eventually. There’s kindness just to be nice and then there’s kindness that puts someone in chains. And staying here, continuing what I’m doing is only making these chains appear thicker and harder to break. To be independent, to feel like I am truly being my own independent person, I need to live my own life and not have people tell me always what they would do in my situation and consequently often make me do what they want to do contrary to my own wishes. It’s very possible that I’m just being stubborn but I’m tired of other people having control over my actions, my situation and what I do with my time and my money. And I just need to get away from that.

Labels: bitterness, frustration

I’m not sure why I’m not stressed yet about my papers. Maybe it’s because they’re due in a week (both of them and my class presentation) and I’m well on the way to being done all of the assignments. I’m more than half done my research for both papers (yay!) and I’ve done everything except the actual presentation for my class presentation. Things are looking good and I’ve never been this far ahead on any work in my entire university career. I guess it just took having 3 things due in one week to get my act together. Because of the work I’ve been putting in over the past two weeks, I should be set to write both papers (rough drafts) and practice my presentation this weekend. Plus, that should leave me with time to hang out with friends on Friday and Saturday and go watch a movie Saturday afternoon with another friend!! I don’t know how this happened, but the papers might all be done well in advance and be of decent quality. Why couldn’t I figure out how to do this 5 years ago??? I guess I just never listened well enough when they said “slow and steady wins the race”. Who knew it would apply to school as well!

Labels: school, stress

Blogs = Writing about the happenings of everyday life. I need to work on this…..
Between going to watch Thirteen Hands and planning the takeover of Hawaii it’s been a good weekend, except for the masses of homework part of it :P

And there goes crappy attempt number one. Maybe when I feel the need to procrastinate a little more I'll make a much greater effort!.

Labels: Blogs, David, Hawaii, Thirteen Hands

I don’t know if I have reason to be pissed off about anything or if it’s just my own need to be pissed off at something that’s making me think this way. But I’ve been getting increasingly frustrated with the organization I’m supposed to go to Africa with. I’ve told them countless times that I can’t stay here beyond August since I don’t have a place to live and I can’t just exist in limbo, awaiting the unknown while they get stuff ready for me to go. By this time, for a summer departure, I should already be looking at getting my visa in place, my immunizations done and all that other great stuff that needs to be done in advance. I’ve also been thinking that maybe they weren’t the best people to go with. If I got ‘established’ somewhere (and by that I mean not itching to leave ASAP) I can get involved with a local Red Cross or other such organizations and after a while do something with them. And that might be more my speed.


Which leaves me once again treading upon the unknown path. I know for sure that I do not want to work a 9-5 job and that I want to go somewhere new. Considering how cheap tickets are to Europe…..I might just be doing that. I want to discover that I am able to stand on my own two feet with no one else there to help me. I want to find out if I can support myself and I guess that in a way, I also want to find myself and going somewhere where I don’t really know anyone is generally agreed to be the best option. Plus, I just need to get away from the stagnant comforts of Canada and these cold, long winters. Everything here is padded by comforts and by the knowledge that if I fall, someone else will pick me up. Thus, I have no reason to strive for anything better and I just want to make it on my own for once in my life with no one there to support me, no one there to run to. I want to find out what I’m capable up and find out what I want out of myself.