Nicole....and journeys

I get told all the time that I’m an independent person yet I feel so restricted here (Canada, Toronto). I sometimes have to remind myself that I do have personal freedoms because I often find myself feeling like three quarters of what I do I do clandestinely. And no matter what people say, about my being an incredibly independent person, I don’t actually feel like I can live an independent life of my choosing by staying here. It’s quite possible that the restrictions are more in my mind than in reality but if I need to work around the geographical factor, I will. I will go where I want and if I fall, I, ME, I will pick myself up. If it takes sleeping on the streets then so be it. I need to know what I can do alone because by being dependant on other people, it’s like there are ties that I continuously think I need to pay back, either now or eventually. There’s kindness just to be nice and then there’s kindness that puts someone in chains. And staying here, continuing what I’m doing is only making these chains appear thicker and harder to break. To be independent, to feel like I am truly being my own independent person, I need to live my own life and not have people tell me always what they would do in my situation and consequently often make me do what they want to do contrary to my own wishes. It’s very possible that I’m just being stubborn but I’m tired of other people having control over my actions, my situation and what I do with my time and my money. And I just need to get away from that.

Labels: bitterness, frustration