Nicole....and journeys

I get told all the time that I’m an independent person yet I feel so restricted here (Canada, Toronto). I sometimes have to remind myself that I do have personal freedoms because I often find myself feeling like three quarters of what I do I do clandestinely. And no matter what people say, about my being an incredibly independent person, I don’t actually feel like I can live an independent life of my choosing by staying here. It’s quite possible that the restrictions are more in my mind than in reality but if I need to work around the geographical factor, I will. I will go where I want and if I fall, I, ME, I will pick myself up. If it takes sleeping on the streets then so be it. I need to know what I can do alone because by being dependant on other people, it’s like there are ties that I continuously think I need to pay back, either now or eventually. There’s kindness just to be nice and then there’s kindness that puts someone in chains. And staying here, continuing what I’m doing is only making these chains appear thicker and harder to break. To be independent, to feel like I am truly being my own independent person, I need to live my own life and not have people tell me always what they would do in my situation and consequently often make me do what they want to do contrary to my own wishes. It’s very possible that I’m just being stubborn but I’m tired of other people having control over my actions, my situation and what I do with my time and my money. And I just need to get away from that.

Labels: bitterness, frustration

I’m not sure why I’m not stressed yet about my papers. Maybe it’s because they’re due in a week (both of them and my class presentation) and I’m well on the way to being done all of the assignments. I’m more than half done my research for both papers (yay!) and I’ve done everything except the actual presentation for my class presentation. Things are looking good and I’ve never been this far ahead on any work in my entire university career. I guess it just took having 3 things due in one week to get my act together. Because of the work I’ve been putting in over the past two weeks, I should be set to write both papers (rough drafts) and practice my presentation this weekend. Plus, that should leave me with time to hang out with friends on Friday and Saturday and go watch a movie Saturday afternoon with another friend!! I don’t know how this happened, but the papers might all be done well in advance and be of decent quality. Why couldn’t I figure out how to do this 5 years ago??? I guess I just never listened well enough when they said “slow and steady wins the race”. Who knew it would apply to school as well!

Labels: school, stress

Blogs = Writing about the happenings of everyday life. I need to work on this…..
Between going to watch Thirteen Hands and planning the takeover of Hawaii it’s been a good weekend, except for the masses of homework part of it :P

And there goes crappy attempt number one. Maybe when I feel the need to procrastinate a little more I'll make a much greater effort!.

Labels: Blogs, David, Hawaii, Thirteen Hands

I don’t know if I have reason to be pissed off about anything or if it’s just my own need to be pissed off at something that’s making me think this way. But I’ve been getting increasingly frustrated with the organization I’m supposed to go to Africa with. I’ve told them countless times that I can’t stay here beyond August since I don’t have a place to live and I can’t just exist in limbo, awaiting the unknown while they get stuff ready for me to go. By this time, for a summer departure, I should already be looking at getting my visa in place, my immunizations done and all that other great stuff that needs to be done in advance. I’ve also been thinking that maybe they weren’t the best people to go with. If I got ‘established’ somewhere (and by that I mean not itching to leave ASAP) I can get involved with a local Red Cross or other such organizations and after a while do something with them. And that might be more my speed.


Which leaves me once again treading upon the unknown path. I know for sure that I do not want to work a 9-5 job and that I want to go somewhere new. Considering how cheap tickets are to Europe…..I might just be doing that. I want to discover that I am able to stand on my own two feet with no one else there to help me. I want to find out if I can support myself and I guess that in a way, I also want to find myself and going somewhere where I don’t really know anyone is generally agreed to be the best option. Plus, I just need to get away from the stagnant comforts of Canada and these cold, long winters. Everything here is padded by comforts and by the knowledge that if I fall, someone else will pick me up. Thus, I have no reason to strive for anything better and I just want to make it on my own for once in my life with no one there to support me, no one there to run to. I want to find out what I’m capable up and find out what I want out of myself.

In order to be able and willing to do something of this magnitude, I'd really need to know who I am, what I want out of life, and what to do to make myself happy. But how am I to know this when it sometimes becomes so hard to be detached from the outside world and from people's various influences. You sometimes feel like you have to look at everyone elses advice and compare them to your own desires and needs. If they don't match, it then becomes so easy to beleive that you're in the wrong and not those people who see you with what's easily imagined to be a more objective eye. But if you've let other influences shape and mould you for so long, how can they know what's in your own heart? Their view really becomes less objective and more a product of what they see in the vision that they have made of you, and thus really not you at all. If I want something bad enough, I guess I'll just have to trust that it will feel right and that somewhere within myself I will be able to find the courage to go on even if it's by myself.

School's really been really hitting me hard lately. What with work and meetings to prepare for going to Africa, and other meetings for farm committee and Rotaract. Then there's the events for Farm and Rotaract, and then on top of that, an attempt to maintain my social life. It's been craziness and so for the next few weeks, I think it would be a good thing to just lay low for the next couple of weeks and focus on school, philanthropy and making money.

On the other hand, I feel like I finally have something to look forward to, to be ambitious about and to kind of guide my focus. It's a good feeling because it's definitely helping me motivate myself to get other things in my life done as well. I find that I'm increasingly enjoying the filling my time with acts of philanthropy and would do events for this for days on end if time permitted me to, and if other obligations didn't stop me. Shak and I are finally getting moving on the 'musical' club night. Right now we're looking for a DJ who's willing to do charity work. There was something Shak said about being able to give them a tax receipt but I'm not entirely sure through who we would get the proper documentation for this. Of course, he knows more about this than I do so I'll just rely on him to deal with the technicalities and I'll deal with the finding of the DJ and etc...

I've also been talking a lot to people about my going to Africa next year to do volunteer work and I find that I'm getting oddly mixed reactions from people; Ranging from the "oh! That's great" to the "Oh! Good for you, you're crazy" and then we can't forget the plain old "You're crazy, what would possess you to do something like this". Most people seem to just take a stance of "that's nice, I’m moving on with my day now" and that's quite alright with me. I have no problems with people keeping the focus on their own lives, but at the same time, I like to at times raise awareness in others about the needs in other countries and among other peoples. I like the fact that barring any major complications, I will be going to Africa next year and this seems to spark, at least momentarily, some degree of recognition of a problem among some. It seems that the only people who are able to fully appreciate what I want to do are the people who have already gone there and done something similar themselves or people who have a serious desire to do this in the near future. Most other's just don’t' seem to be able to fully comprehend what is involved and therefore seem to lack some degree of appreciation for the motivations that drive someone to come to the decision to offer their services to those who are materially less fortunate than we, as westerner's are.

My Grandparents asked my mom if I had joined a cult!!!!!! Because of course, they figure there's no way I (or anyone else) would want to work in a non-western country otherwise.

ARGH! I admit there's humour there, but I would be lying if I said it didn't also frustrate me...just a little....